When the man making the pass at you is 20 years younger, does he have a problem? Or do you have a dating opportunity?
The first time I made that observation I was 46, and a tall, lanky cutie of 23 who lived down the hall in my apartment building had asked me out. "Listen," I told him, feeling more horrified than flattered, "I'm not only old enough to be your mother, I'm older than your mother" (with whom he still lived, by the way). Undaunted, he laid out the evening he had planned: First we'd go to a party that he'd been hired to deejay, and I'd watch him spin records. Then we'd go get something to eat. Finally, we'd come back to my place for a little sumptin' sumptin'. Uh, I don't think so. Go home to your real mama.
Now, unlike many of my over-forty girlfriends who think being pursued by younger men means you've still got it, I've always been somewhat embarrassed by such advances. I think of cradle robbing less as the act of a vixen than a move by someone pathetic. (After a store clerk one day mistook my own stepson, now 23, for a boyfriend, I asked him to walk 10 paces behind me.) I grew up believing that the man in the relationship is supposed to be older than the woman: My father was 10 years older than my mother; the man I married, and divorced, is eight years older than me.
Plus, since males tend to develop their emotional IQ more slowly than females, I've always harbored the notion that mating with a younger man meant I'd be with a guy who might never quite grow up -- or would, at the very least, forever lag behind me in the maturity stakes. A divorced friend of mine in her 40s just married a 30-year-old. And while he is cute and sweet, all I can think is how stressed she was making all the final plans the week before the wedding as he flew off to Miami for an extended bachelor party.
Now, truth be told, I'm not immune to the charms of younger guys. As a residential real estate broker in a vibrant city neighborhood, I meet plenty. And I've gotten a kick out of bantering with them, even if their seduction lines don't slay me. I gave one 28-year-old the "I could be your mama" rap, and when I saw him a few months later, he ran up to me, grinning. "I had a birthday!" he said with glee. "So did I," I replied.
Another time, a wannabe thug-type hollered a ridiculous come-on from across the street. "I could be your mama!" I yelled back.
"What'd you say about my mama?" he suddenly growled.
"I said I'm old enough to be your
"I'm 35!" he shouted, triumphant.
"Like I said -- I could be your mama."
Why They're Attracted to Me
On the rare close encounters I've had with younger men, I have, of course, noticed that they tend to be firmer of body (just like the younger women many older men love to pursue) and greater in sexual prowess. But if we are far apart in age, we are often equally far apart in perspective. I dated one man who was 13 years younger but still a grown-up (you'd think) at 37. He turned out to be just too young, or in a different emotional place. Like me, he'd been married; unlike me, he seemed to be a ready believer in marital bliss. On our first date he asked if I thought I'd ever remarry. "I don't know," I said. "I haven't given it much thought." On the second date he asked whether I thought I could ever see myself marrying him. "I don't know," I told him. "I don't know you." On the third date he noted that since both of our last names started with the letter E, we would have no problem with monogrammed towels. "You know, I have a number of girlfriends who would love to meet you," I said finally, noting that many women I knew would kill to hear a guy talk about monogrammed towels. I was not one of them.
But I have found, lately, that younger men have helped me see myself in a new light. For one thing, the guys making advances now are, well, older than they used to be. They also seem more articulate about their feelings in ways that can surprise and flatter. One such man came into my office two years ago with an apartment to list. It was a garden studio in his house, and he occupied the floors above. "So, who lives with you -- you got a wife, kids?" I casually asked, thinking how much he resembled my stepson. "Nope, it's just me," he said.
"Just you? Well, sweetheart," I gushed, going into full mother mode, "we're going to have to find a nice young lady renter to swoop you up."
"But I like you," he blurted out.
"You like me?" I blurted back. "Oh, no, no. I could be your mama." As it turned out, he was 40. And -- gasp! -- I could still be his mama, if I'd started having babies at 17.
This man has since become a good friend. And it turns out he really did like me, for the very things I like about myself: I have a business; I own property; I'm funny, smart, confident. I am, in his words, a "get-ahead lady who has it going on." Unlike many men closer to my age for whom such attributes can pose a threat, this young man keeps saying I inspire him. "I've told all my friends about you," he says often. Well, gee. Who knew?
It's possible, I have discovered, to have a wonderful time with this younger man who never presses for anything beyond my company. He acts as if just having me around is excitement enough. And let me tell you, that can do wonders for a girl's middle-aged ego. He knows the age difference bothers me, but it clearly doesn't bother him. What can I say? He's respectful, responsible, and reasonably relentless, which means he calls me quite a bit more than I call him. He's going to make someone a terrific husband.
It took a while, but I'm ready to believe that younger men who like older women don't necessarily have a fetish
for cellulite or yearn for a mama figure. Now that I'm mature enough to listen, what young, mature men have told me is that they like the sass and brass of the older woman who isn't trying to be cute or coy. ("Darling, what you see is what you get.") They like the sexual confidence and the lack of game or agenda. And they like our spirited, sexy, older-woman looks.
"I knooow you're not 10 years older than me," a young man said recently. When I told him that -- yes -- I could be his mama, he asked, with a lovely Caribbean lilt: "How ol' you think I am?"
"Twenty-seven," I shot back. With that, he whipped out his driver's license, eager to prove his bona fides: He was 39. I started to snap out my usual line,something like, "You're right, sweetheart, I'm not 10 years older. Try 18." But this time I said nothing. Maybe my girlfriends are on to something: Maybe I do still got it.might just send your ‘special someone’ through the World Wide Web? .....
First Love Of Your Life The Allure of Old FlamesThere’s nothing like your first love. Which is why more and more newly single people are looking to the Internet to rekindle a decades-old romance. "These couples grew up and formed their identities together," author of Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances. "They defined what love meant to each other, before dating became a game,".And while many of us might consider getting back together with a lost love, reaching out to someone who has been out of your life for years (and could well have a very full life of their own) can be tricky, unpredictable, and potentially heartbreaking. But if you're single and still have a soft spot for your former sweetheart, here's how to use the Web to take that trip down memory lane.....
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